“It Wasn’t Pretty”

So, this one night my friend Macy and I went down to the beach in the fancy part of Marina Del Ray to meet some friends at a bar.   We’re like super hot and dressed for fun.  You know, like the super tight dresses and the biggest high heels.  We had a lot of skin showing but it wasn’t like it didn’t look good.  Maybe is was too much make-up for the beach, but whatever.

So anyway, we head to Marina Del Ray and the place is a sea of happy hour middle age and people who think a skinhead has something to do with cappuccino.  This was like so not our scene and we stick out like a blinking neon sign.  We could almost hear the whispers about the two hookers that just walked in.  The place was just gross and really full of itself.  Whatever.

We didn’t have enough money to really tie one on and it was clear our friends weren’t showing up.  So we’re like stranded and sober in the totally wrong place and that’s always a tough spot for two fly chicks to be in.  Plus, this little guy kept asking us for the time, and since we don’t wear watches, we kept an eye on him.  You need to watch out for the creeps.  It was really time to hatch a plan.   But when the little guy pulled out a wad of bills at the bar, he didn’t seem all that creepy.   We look at each other like “BINGO”.  He seemed totally harmless so like, whatever.  We needed the drinks. So we squeezed in next to him and got super friendly, telling him all about our loser friends who ditched us and how they owed us money.  We found three stools together and he totally bought us drinks for like five whole hours.

So anyway, we’re sitting there and the guy seemed pretty harmless and just when I’m thinking “Yeah, I’ve got this guy wrapped around my little finger”  he goes, “You’re not wearing any underwear are you?”   The room was getting dizzy and I’m like super shocked and go “How did you know?”  And he goes, “I can just tell” and sticks his hand under my dress.  Then he goes, “Nope, you’re not wearing underwear!”

So anyway, I just sat there and let him keep his hand where it was.  It really wasn’t all bad.  I was sitting in the middle and Macy was on the other side watching us kind of go at it like she was amazed.  Her eyes were all wide and her neck was all long, like she couldn’t get enough of it.  We ignored her, but she looked happy.

By now its last call and we get swept out into the parking lot and this guy was all “Come to a hotel with me” and like an idiot I don’t even think twice.  He could have been a serial killer or have an S.T.D., but I was feeling like the night was a pin-ball machine and I was just a ball, so what the hell.  Plus, I’m not so good with a plan.  I’m also kind of wild and since Macy worships that side of me, I don’t like to let her down.  So I tell Macy the plan, who says whatever, and the guy says for sure she’s invited.

So anyway, we start to make the late night hotel tour.  I can’t remember how many we tried, but we’d wash in all loud, black chick, white chick and a super eager drunk guy.  Every hotel we ended up at was like,  “Sorry, no rooms at the Inn.” It was like there was a convention in Marina Del Ray or they didn’t like us.  Whatever.  I was getting sick of it and ready to go home, but then the little guy starts to panic.  He goes,  “My family has a boat!  We can go there!”  I was like fine with that, because an adventure is way better than going home and being alone in the dark.

So anyway,  we end up at the pier.  I don’t really remember this part, but Macy told me she remembers climbing a fence.  Whatever.  So now we’re on this tiny boat and I take Macy into this tiny bathroom and go, “Here’s what we do. Take off all your clothes, but leave on your jewelry and your shoes.  It’s sexier that way.”  I know the guy wasn’t totally repulsive or anything, but I wouldn’t recognize him if he walked up to me today.  But it’s super important that men like me.  That’s what happens when you have an abusive father and a marshmallow mom.

So anyway, the night finally happens and the next thing I know I’m totally passed out, when Macy starts shaking me.  She’s an inch from my face and she’s yelling, “Get it together and get your shit!”  I have no idea what’s happening and what my shit is, but I’m surprised to be on a boat with the sun coming up.   And super surprised to hear a screaming match going on between the little guy and a bunch of people on the pier.  Those aren’t the good kind of surprises.  Shit was going down.

So Macy and I scramble like marbles to get our clothes on and find all our stuff.  I know it wasn’t pretty when we crawl up onto the deck of the boat, because the normal looking families with kids who were beefing at us from the pier went speechless.  That little guy is sure lucky we’re not the difficult type, because a lot of chicks would have screamed rape right then, just to have an excuse.  This was totally not the wimpy guy’s boat and it was totally time to ditch him.

So we slide onto the pier and start walking through the crowd which totally sucked, because they hated us.  Whatever.  We’re halfway up the pier when a speed boat starts to trail us with a loud-speaker going, “HALT!  Marina patrol!”.  So we just ran like hell, and in the harsh light of dawn tried to hide in the shade by the bathrooms. We were totally like “What the F—?!”

So like an hour goes by and we were trying to hatch a plan, when the little guy shows up.  I think he was just there for the men’s room because he didn’t look that happy to see us.  Whatever.  He at least owed us a ride to our car.  After a humbling drive in the hang-over silence he stops at the bar and goes, “Get out.” So we just got out. Finally the night is over.  Then Macy goes, “Who was that little guy, anyway?

Written by  Kris K. QUINN